Life's a Wonderful Mess

Recently, I've been feeling overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed. Terrified at the thought of having 3 little ones in just a couple months, exhausted at the thought of having to give yet another consequence, fearful of the financial pressures facing us over the next 5 months, completely stressed about all the shopping and gift wrapping that needs to happen before baby arrives, upset that baby still doesn't have a name, sad because of all the updates/improvements/changes that we want to make to our new house but can't afford yet, uncomfortable with feet in my ribs constantly and the almost-burning-sensation that's letting me know heartburn IS coming, bla, bla, bla. I haven't slept more than 4 straight hours in over a month and I think it has just gotten to me.

Yesterday, Maci had her adenoids removed and tubes put in her ears. She's had fluid in them since July and was suffering from "moderate hearing loss" as a result. She did great, er...mostly great. She took some medicine that helped her relax and giggled as they wheeled her away but woke up terrified and fighting. She wouldn't even let the recovery nurse near her to get vital signs or give her juice. The nurse ended up giving her some more pain medicine (to make her stop screaming and go back to sleep) and brought her to me. All and all, she's done amazing - as of this morning, woke up completely back to herself and only got 1 dose of ibprofen first thing. I'm so glad it's done! She's going to take some antibiotics and ear drops for a few days and then we'll have a follow up in a few weeks to see if her hearing has improved.

Last night, I sat in bed and sobbed to DJ that I didn't know what I was doing. I was not being the mother I wanted to be, or the wife, or the homemaker. I was very sure I'd turned into a mean old lady (especially after yelling at the teenage neighbor who decided to set off fireworks 3 feet outside my window at 1:15 that morning) and had not been nice to our children in weeks. I did, thankfully, realize that the likelihood of my meltdown being associated with pregnancy hormones was high, and listened to him as he talked some sense into my head. Then we prayed. Then we went to bed early.

OH! What a difference prayer and a full night's sleep make. I only woke up twice last night and didn't even hear DJ get ready for work this morning. It was life changing. I am so thankful for a God who loves me enough to specifically make my body rest well on a night when I so needed it (I'm convinced the sleep I got was God-ordained). I enjoyed Eli and Maci, I was nice to Eli and Maci, I went to study the bible with some amazing women who I love and who pour into my life good and encouraging things (I also believe these relationships are God-ordained, especially after the time we shared today), I took the kids for a drive and we sang songs and practiced the alphabet (things that used to be a daily occurrence), I visited some sweet, new friends who happen to sell organic eggs and produce and stocked up, I made dinner, I laughed with my family over Angry Birds on my iPhone, and I even baked a cake (per Maci's request). I am now blogging! What?!?

I am thankful for days like today, days that aren't promised to me tomorrow, but remind me of God's desires for the M family. It's like God just whispered in my ear, "remember these things: I did not go anywhere, I am crazy about you, I put your feet here for a reason and I chose YOU to be Eli and Maci and baby girl's mommy, I blessed your marriage and gave you DJ to love and live life with. Do not doubt my strength and endurance, these things I will give you in abundance if you just ask. I can give you rest. I want to give you rest. I can give you joy. I want to give you joy. Do not let your pregnant body or your circumstances distract you from my presence."

So, I am remembering all my blessings. I am thanking the God who loves me (and you) very, very much for His reminders and His lessons. I am renewed.

These are just a couple of my blessings.
I am very, very, very thankful that I get to be their mommy.