Who Am I?

I have realized recently that I'm not the me I was 10 years ago. Heck, who am I kidding? I'm not the me I was 3 years ago - becoming a mom changed me in a big way...not my sleep schedule or the fact that my beloved dog, Cali, now has a new family (whom I LOVE - yay God!). I'm talking about the deepest parts of my personality and expression of myself. I told some friends about this a week ago and I can't stop dissecting it.

Growing up, I was never afraid to speak my mind. Never. Not to friends, family, police officers, teachers, or random strangers (frequently with the misfortune of having me as a displeased customer). I would never in a million years let passive-aggressive comments flutter around raising tensions or placing false blame. I would even go so far as to say that it's possible I thrived on conflict...what happened? Where did that girl go?

If losing my grit were the only change I've come to notice, I wouldn't be that effected...but it's more that that. Deeper. I have lost my self-confidence, my ability to walk with back straight, smiling and making eye contact with everyone I see. At first, I thought it was because I'm carrying an extra 30 pounds around, and well, that's just not pleasant for anyone. That has something to do with it, I'm sure, and starting tonight, I'm endeavoring on a 7 week study that will hopefully shed some light on what Jesus has to say about weight loss and food...and hopefully offer some motivation to get my butt a little smaller. But there is an emotional change that's taken physical residence on my face.

Two and a half years ago, my world was rocked with the realization that I wasn't as "natural" a mother as I JUST KNEW I would be. Bringing a baby into the world was nothing like the fluffy white cloud covered in rainbows I'd imagined. It was HARD. And it was CONSTANTLY hard. (Yes, it was wonderful, too. Obviously. Sigh. Better than I imagined? Yes!) I turned to some women God hand picked and set in front of me, and ohmygoodness, I will always value their wisdom and friendship. But at that moment I starting running. Running to catch up. Running to be better. Running to give my kids the mom they deserve. Running to create the house God would want me to. Running to be like the Ezzos (if you don't know who they are, I am eternally grateful to them, too, but just ignore that line and keep reading). Running to be more like my friends. Running to provide Godly discipline and teachings. Running to put one foot in mommy world and one foot in the critical care nursing world. Running to organize better, to schedule better and to manage my time better. Running to fit my life into the box that, of course, God would be proud of. Running to have some opinion, any idea, or just the illusion of an intelligent thought about current events. I haven't stopped running. I'm writing this and realizing that I don't even want to stop running completely...slow down from a sprint to a walk maybe...stop and smell some roses maybe...but definitely not stop altogether.

I DO want to find confidence in myself again. How? Well, I guess the first step happened a week ago when I shared this with my friends (a couple of the same women who taught me how to live with a newborn) and my husband. The next step happens tonight as I try to let go of Satan's lies and learn what the bible has to say about my body and my food choices. And the third step will happen when I publish this post...cause then I've really made a commitment to finding myself, right? Here's to hoping I find the woman I want to be: a woman full of grit and grace, determined to have peace in her home and pursue a life that pleases God.

That's a little more like what I'm envisioning.