Anymore kids?

I've been asked a lot lately about whether or not we want more kids. I guess with no more diapers comes the expectation that kid #4 will be in the works. All I can say on that topic is that we're waiting on God to lead us. And by that, I mean I'm waiting on God to lead DJ.

I constantly feel pulled to adopt, to get pregnant, and to let my "full plate" stay just the way it is. My brain is crazy. Honestly, when the foster parent road didn't work out I was really shocked. I knew that my first instinct to create another plan, to jump into raising adoption funds or start taking prenatal vitamins, was just a knee-jerk reaction. The only things driving my desire to grow our family are selfish and petty. I have always pictured my kids being really close in age, and although that makes early years much harder, I just love the dream. It's hard to really let go of all my plans and trust God to unfold it in His timing. I learned so much about myself and my need for God's grace and His Word through every step of adopting Eli - from waiting for so many months to seeing what so many people across the globe live without. It was humbling (so humbling) and spiritual and a blessing that I crave to have again. "So God, if you could just go ahead and deposit $30,000 in our bank account that'd be great. Let's call it Option A." I don't want to be any older and pregnant - it was hard enough the first few times in my 20's. "So God, if that's gonna happen, let's do it. We'll call it Option B." And I know how blessed I am to have 3 healthy children, and how so many of my friends and family struggle and work and plan year after year to have just one. I don't feel like I deserve to become a mom again before them. That's not exactly putting God first, is it? "No condemnation in Christ..." and all that. Sigh. And if I'm being really honest, I care too much about what others think. Mommyhood is crazy hard, and most of the time I'm barely keeping it together. What in the world would you all think if I have another kid?? "So God, if you think I need to simply focus on loving my family well, I'm okay with it - just don't bless me with a surprise in my 40's okay? That does not fit into my mind's picture. Let's call this Option C."

You're all completely agreeing with me that my brain is crazy now, right?

So after I throw all those balls in the air to juggle, I read in scripture to "wait on the Lord" over and over and over. And I hear sermons and read articles about how God is the head of the family, then the husband - and how God has put DJ in the leadership position on purpose. And there are no exceptions except for following him into sin - that's gotta include letting him take the lead on more kids or not, right? No matter how much I want to jump in and "see God glorified" since, of course, that's obviously always my priority (Did I mention that I'm also perfect?) I need to wait. And trust. And pray.