Referral Dream...A DREAM

Last night I dreamed that DJ and I received our referral. It was very sad. First of all, we got an e-mail...that's it...No phone call, just an e-mail with two pictures and two brief paragraphs describing the children. We got the e-mail late at night on a Friday so we couldn't even call the agency to talk to someone. The children were girls, and they were Asian, not Ethiopian (my dreams are often detailed and random). Also, they were not related and had never even met each other (which is HIGHLY discouraged in adoption world - 0ur agency won't even place multiple children at the same time who are not related). One little girl was 4 years old and liked to sing and play and smile. The other little girl was 6 and very sick. She was good at math (knew geometry) and could play the piano. It was so sad. I remember in my dream looking at DJ and reading out loud the paragraphs that described the little girl's lives and their sad stories that ended with them coming to the care center. I was crying as I read about the 6 year old little girl who was sick because I knew that we wouldn't be able to help her - we couldn't cure her illness or help heal the emotional scars she carried from years of abuse. We knew that it was all or nothing. We would not be allowed to adopt only the healthy, happy child. I'm sure I was thinking that in my dream - how could I not? Life would be so much easier if we only adopted the 4 year old...besides, it would be easy...we would just simply point out that they were not related and that it wasn't "allowed". I woke up in a panic. God's lessons are deep. And sometimes they sting a bit.

What if I look like the 6 year old girl to him? Would he ever say that I'm too sick or unhappy to be worth his efforts? Would he be disappointed with ME for a referral?

My heart broke as I was sleeping and it's breaking now thinking about the stories of my two children who are out there living their lives without us. I hate not knowing if they're safe or hungry or scared. I hate that I can't rock them to sleep and be the first person they see when they wake up in the morning. I miss them so much, which is hard to imagine since I have never met them or even heard their names spoken. I want them here and I want them happy.

I can only imagine that it's the same kind of feeling Jesus must have toward us. He wants us so badly to come to him and to let him be our strength and joy. He knows what to do to make our hurts go away and he longs to wrap us in his arms. He knows our hearts and loves us unconditionally....unconditionally. Even if I am sick or depressed or my life seems hopeless, worthless. Even if I fight him or turn my back from him, he is still there loving me. Even when I don't acknowledge him or appreciate him, he never leaves. Even when I disobey him or reject every promise I've ever given him, he doesn't give up on me. HE is my father and he fights for my safety, my happiness, my peace, my freedom, my salvation. He is beyond delighted with his referrals...no matter what they look like to the rest of the world.