Goodbye, Sweet Baby.

I know this is going to be a shocking post for most of you. I know miscarriage is not something polite to talk about. And I'm sorry if this is not an appropriate outlet to share the heavy heart I have but I have given this a lot of thought, and in honor of my recently deceased baby and in hopes of finding a way to grieve, I am writing. I'm not really sure where to start or what to say but the facts sound like an obvious answer.

January 19th, DJ and I were surprised to learn we were expecting baby #3. Over the last month, we freaked out and we rejoiced over the idea of having another child. We talked names, birth plans, and room assignments. I delighted in the exhaustion, not so much the vomiting, but was still willing to endure. In my 9th week of pregnancy I noticed a tiny amount of bleeding and went in for an immediate ultrasound. We saw this beautiful miracle and his/her tiny little heartbeat. I got to see this child through the wonder of technology, a special gift that I will be forever thankful for. The baby was small, the blood clot that ultimately demanded life was not. The doctor put me on modified bed rest and I learned how to entertain, diaper, and feed two rambunctious toddlers on the floor so I wouldn't have to pick them up. Over the last week I have prayed and prayed and found God show up in a very real way - a way I will share in a moment in hopes that you will be encouraged...also a reason I decided to share this story. Yesterday, we went in for another ultrasound, this one scheduled, to see if progress was being made in baby's growth and to confirm that the blood clot was diminishing. We found the baby. No heart beat. My tiny little creation was smaller than it had been the week before and so very still. I will never forget that moment. I will never forget this week. And of course, I will never never forget this baby. I am scheduled for a D&C in the morning. The details of tomorrow make me sick.

In the midst of brokenness I am thankful for so many things. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 60% of miscarriages are due to a genetic/chromosomal problem that would result in a severely special needs child or worse. God knows what I can handle and is willing to care for this child while I continue life on earth. I am thankful for a God who knows better than I do. I am thankful for friends and family who do more than encourage me (they DO that). They have brought me endless food, prayed for and with me, sent me cards, come over and thrown my kids in the air when books and floor activities were just not cutting it, cried with me, watched my children so I could spend time with DJ, and so much more. Words can just not explain what they mean in my life and how grateful I am for their love and support.

I am thankful for the ultrasound last week. I have picture proof that this baby is real. I am not crazy, this is not a figure of my imagination and that means so much to me. I am thankful for my husband who reminded me that we are one and even though this experience is so different for him than it is for me, it is happening to us both. There is no blame, no shame, no distinction in body or spirit - he is 100% in this with me no matter what. I am thankful for my two beautiful, healthy children. I genuinely think this is different for me than it would have been prior to entering motherhood. It is easier (not easy) and I'm so grateful for the reminder that I have had a healthy pregnancy and have a passion for adoption. If the Martorana's are forever a family of 4, we will be a happy family. I am so thankful for that.

But most of all, I am thankful for an obvious message from God. In the last week, the verse "I will never leave you nor forsake you" - Hebrews 13:5, has been spoken to me in more ways than one. DJ and I have been very intentional about not letting our kids listen to inappropriate things on the radio or in TV commercials and for the last couple weeks, a random song with the words "God forsaken" has been in my head. I found myself muttering the chorus under my breath (and sometimes all out singing it) in front of the kids and it occurred to me that "God forsaken" is a very bad thing to let them hear...finally God convicted me of it one morning during a 3am trip to the bathroom. He told me to repeat Heb. 13:5 over and over until I couldn't remember the words to the song anymore. I can NOT remember them, but I do remember to quote the verse whenever I'm in a room or situation that I would commonly sing the song. From there, the verse was in my morning quiet time, my small group study, in a facebook message, and in a random bundle of scriptures my mom printed out for me, put on a key chain, and mailed to me as a surprise - Heb. 13:5 was the only scripture out of 12 in bold, red font. I have felt God's arm wrapped around me and heard His voice whisper this promise to me dozens of times since last Tuesday's ultrasound. I am thankful for His love.

I am so sad, so very disappointed..and yet I know God knows best and I have not had one second of doubt about His love for me. I am so, so, so thankful for that.

I hope you're not shuddering in horror or offense at this word vomit. I am so sorry to share this burden with you if you came for a happy, smiley Eli and Maci picture. I'll post one :-) Please pray for me tomorrow, and that I'll be able to grieve this baby because I'm finding it hard to do with 2 kids. I have shed many tears today, some now writing this and some this morning in the embrace of good friends...I am thankful for that.