Will We Obey?

For those of you pretty close to me (especially during my Facebook hiatus), you know that God has been leading me to do some very cool soul searching. DJ too. He's been teaching us a bunch, showing us a bunch, and challenging us to lead a vastly different life than we have been. (Well, I guess our life isn't that much different yet, but our thoughts and DEFINITELY our priorities are.) We have been trying to retrain our brains to escape the socially acceptable "we work hard so we deserve it" mentality and the "God wants to bless me with all the desires of my heart" scripture reference (taken all-to-often out of context) and even the "it's for my children so they can be happy and successful and safe" excuse. In its place, we're learning what the bible has to say about following Jesus completely, suffering for the sake of knowing Him better and spreading the message of the gospel. I'm definitely on an up-and-down roller coaster journey, learning about real grace and forgiveness and how to trust that I'm included in the PAID IN FULL club. I'm still processing salvation and the importance of telling others about who Jesus is and what He did, but I'm thankful for each layer that gets peeled away.

I've known for many years that Jesus is the Messiah, that He died for me. And I've lived for years, trying to trust and follow Him. It's just recently that I've seen the piece by piece books of the Bible unfold as one story - God's plan is so cool (and I'm sure I only understand a tiny fraction of its entirety). And it is just recently that I've started to succeed in not caring what other people think about how I look or sound or how my house is decorated. That stuff just shouldn't matter, and oh how it has consumed so many decisions in my life.

DJ and I have recently been thinking again about adoption. We hope to adopt #4 one day, a few years from now and with the slow-down in Ethiopia, we know we should be saving and planning very soon if we're to make that a reality. Recently, it's been discussed more and more, mostly to say that we're very happy with three kids, super low on funds and if we adopt again, it will be a long time down the road. We say that, and then we promise to continue to think and pray about it together and on our own. My prayers have been an almost desperate plea with God to somehow unify the passion in my heart for all the precious orphans in the world, with the overwhelming desire to stay in my comfortable family of 5. I have recently been including the thought of "...above it all, I want to do your will. If you want us to adopt, please tattoo it on my forehead so that we won't have any way around it."

Today, sitting in church on Easter Sunday, DJ's phone vibrates with a message from the director of our adoption agency. We don't EVER get text messages from our agency. We wrote back, and after a very brief correspondence, made a phone appointment to speak later this afternoon. I stood there with tears welling up in my eyes thinking that God was about to bust down a door and tattoo my forehead. I tried to remember Hebrews 12:2-3, "...and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." I sat there, wrestling with my thoughts about how crazy people would think we are and how honored I would be to be touched by a tattoo-artist-Jesus. Insane this battle between flesh and spirit.

I really don't have much else to report. There isn't a tattoo, but I am a little more experience on being prepared to obey Jesus when I'm not ready. Maybe a few hundred more trial runs and I'll be ready to obey immediately. This journey to first-time-happy-heart obedience, coincidentally the same thing I try to teach my kids, is a lifelong process. I'm thankful for His grace and example to get me there, I definitely can't make it myself.

Happy Easter, friends. He is risen!