Deep Thoughts

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile but since I've been processing all these thoughts and ideas, I haven't actually been able to get anything coherent typed out. Hopefully this will make a little sense and relay some of what God's been doing in my heart and family so that He's glorified. The bible says many times over that we are to tell of the great things God has done so that others can know how good and loving and powerful He is. "I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done." -Psalm 9:1 That kind of freaks me out because A) I feel like I'm bragging or B) I feel like God's not done with me and I'm so far from the finish line that, surely, He would not want anyone to think He's involved in this. Spoiler alert: B is where I'm at with this post.

For as long as I can remember I've known Jesus. And I've known how special it is that I do, that I can talk to Him and look at creation knowing that thought and planning went into each detail and that I can live without fear or anxiety (CAN). I know that most of the world doesn't have the luxury of hope and confidence for eternity that I do, and trust me, it's humbling. And I also know that I am to live a life of uncommon kindness and generosity and integrity and service so that others can see Jesus working through me. So, knowing all that and being overwhelmingly busy with being a mother leaves me very little time to feel like I'm "doing my duty." There is no lack of things I'd like like to (I, I, I - key word) like move to China and tell people the gospel who might never have heard before, go to work full time and pray with people who are scared or hurt, invest in friendships I haven't had time for or love on families at church by volunteering every week. I would welcome these adventures and I would love opportunities to work at being good at something. Being a mom is a roller coaster of ups and downs and, to date, not something I feel good at.

Recently, I've had kind of a revelation. Forgive me if you're underwhelmed because this revelation is extremely basic, but it has really hit home. My ministry is being a mother. Lots of people say what a big sacrifice and job raising children is (especially men) but there is often this unsaid belief that women are just naturally good at it and that all women love it. I'm pretty sure I was in this category a few short years ago, and I might have even pictured some fairy dust like sprinkling God hands out when you hold your child for the first time that transforms you into a selfless, patient, angel-like mommy. Haha, I laugh now...

I remember working on paperwork to bring Eli home. It was a special time of meeting new adoptive friends and reading lots of blogs, dreaming about our referral and our trip and our instant bond as a family. There were several families we met who were having to raise money for their adoption journey and, at the time, DJ and I were blessed (miraculously) with the funds on hand. We talked several times about if we would ever raise money and we both thought that we would not. We were so excited to become parents and so joyously anticipating the gift and miracle of Eli that we couldn't imagine ASKING anyone to help give us such a generous, selfish blessing. Eli is a gift, one of the most amazing, hand-picked, hand-crafted gifts God ever has, and I'm sure ever will give me. I love being his mom and I still wrestle with asking others to financially provide so that we can adopt again. It would be    huge and generous of others, please don't read anything contradictory to that. But our minds have changed. We would like to adopt again, and when the time is right, we will need to ask others for financial support so that we are able to. I see it a lot differently these days...parents with vast financial resources are not entitled to adopt while the rest of us need to up our faith for God's provision and wait our turn. I think so often I forget that God wants us to be vulnerable and dependent. This stage of life I'm in, loving and serving 3 little people day in and day out leaves me vulnerable and in desperate need of His help and grace and presence. It's constantly a revolving door of me laying down my wants and asking for His help and strength and me thinking I can do just fine on my own. It's obvious when I'm in His Word and when I'm not. And I think maybe this is exactly where He wants me. He's asking us to be willing to follow Him to some scary places (we start foster classes in September - say what?!?) and trust that He is enough. Enough for me, for DJ, for our kids, for our insecurities and selfish ambitions, for our fears and our failings. So, we are willing and I think that's big.

The thing is that God is faithful and He's never, never, ever let me down...not ever, even once.