what to say...?

well, i have to say that i feel a little pressure to post something meaningful and deep today. i'm not sure why exactly, i just do. i feel like i've dropped the ball with this blogging thing, and it's really frustrating because i have so much i want to say...i'm just not sure it's worth your time to read.

MY BABIES...
i've been feeling stressed lately. REALLY stressed. i'm so scared that i won't be a good mother. maybe i should elaborate. i've been reading a lot of stuff lately about interracial parenting and the terrible mistakes that previous generations of adoptive parents/children have had to live through. there has been a great deal of discussion on my agency's forum (which, by the way, is open to the public...just in case you want to take a peak) regarding this issue and it has really caused me to think. not that i haven't thought before...ohmygoodness...dj and i have THOUGHT more than we imagined possible on this topic, but now that it's officially a done deal and we're in the waiting phase, it seems different. what if they resent me because i don't protect them from rude, ignorant people...what if i don't protect them from my own ignorance?!? what if they don't bond to us right away? what if they don't like cali (our beloved yellow lab)? what if they hate my cooking? what if they can't handle the stares or comments from people who don't believe they're mine?

i can't believe that i'm actually posting this on the internet for all to see (and judge). but there it is. sometimes i freak out...sometimes i worry. i'm going to be a first-time-mom and not in the traditional, "oh, i'll have a cute, cuddly baby who will have to love me because i'm the only one feeding it" sense. i'm dragging two children half-way across the world, from everyone/everything they know and can depend on, into a place that is totally new and scary, a place that houses two cats and a huge, loves-to-lick EVERYONE dog, where no one looks like them, or talks like them, where nothing smells the same or sounds the same, into a home with white people who claim to be their new family, into a new time zone where football is not a game played with round balls, bread is not a flat, porous, sour tasting utensil used for eating, and Amharic is a language most people have never even heard of.

i get stressed, then i feel guilty and have to ask God's forgiveness. He has asked this of DJ and I and that is all i need to know. He should receive my praise no matter the cost, and i should be grateful that He has a plan for my family. i am. i am baffled, and honored, and humbled, and amazed. i am sorry that my flesh is weak and my mind is unbelieving. His Word is full of promises, yet i find so little time to meditate on them. my faith is lacking and my anxiety is unwarranted. "Forgive me Lord, for my sinful mind. Increase my faith and grant me wisdom to hear your soothing voice in the midst of fear. Thank you for your love and your presence. May your name be glorified and your will be completed."

this is my struggle. i sway back and forth between confident obedience and worldly irrationality. i have to come to a place where i realize my stupidity and clear disobedience and apologize.

wow. that was deeper than i thought.

TYLER...
things continue to progress in a positive way with tyler. he has shown significant improvement in school and for that, we are so grateful! our nightly homework routine is slowly allowing enough time for family reading sessions (we're reading Marley and Me by john grogan) and occasional board games/tv shows. his first report card comes out at the end of the month (ahhh). his worst subject is biology - it's tough stuff! he has a test on tuesday which will pretty much determine the difference between a D and a C. we've studied for it a lot, so we're hoping for a good outcome. (i'm learning a lot, too, which is pretty cool - it's surprising how easier it is to learn stuff when there is no test/grade pressure). dj and tyler are at red bug park right now "studying" for tyler's 1st period basketball 9weeks exam - it's on free throws. he gets 10 shots, each worth 10 points on his exam. if he misses one, he gets a 90, two, it's an 80, etc. dj quickly volunteered for this assignment...and i have to admit, it's nice to be in a quiet house all alone for a little while :-)

FAITH...
so, to completely contradict what i mentioned above, i've been encouraged in my faith lately. i may falter drastically from day to day over my ability to mother two Ethiopian children, but on a whole, my faith has been increased recently. the bible says that God is the provider and perfecter of faith (Heb. 12:2), which is a HUGE relief to me. HE PROVIDES FAITH, PEOPLE! what great news!! so, i've been asking for faith (and wisdom, he provides that, too - James 1:5), and the other night, while i was praying, i felt the Holy Spirit lead me to step out on a limb.

Backstory...
i've been a little concerned (i'm just one big contradiction) about money (since we wrote some rather large checks a few weeks back), especially since we'll be adding two hungry mouths and subtracting one income. and, this is one of the major areas i've been asking the Lord to increase my faith in. He has really shown up (random checks in the mail is NOT a regular occurrence at the Martorana household), which has totally spurred on my faith.

so, back to the night and the praying...i feel challenged by God to believe for something BIG to happen this month with our income. something big. and something specific. so, I hallelujah'd and praised God for His guidance...and fell asleep. the next morning, i prayed all the way to work, with a bold and determined faith, rejoicing in the Lord's presence. then, that night, i felt compelled to share it with DJ...and having to say it out loud was difficult. i found my faith falter because in spoken words, it sounds so crazy. DJ accepted my announcement with little trouble, so the next day, i shared it with my mom. again, i felt quite silly saying it out loud. but this is something i BELIEVE God laid on my heart, so who am i to be ashamed to admit it to my family?

as the week has gone by, i find i have to renew my determination and commitment to trusting God almost every time i think about it. i was so ashamed about my inability to stick with this, that i cried out to God last night for some help and direction. He reminded me that His Word is living and holds all the promises and truth i lack. so, i began my morning with a little meditation on what the Bible has to say about faith and faithful people. Hebrews 11 is THE faith scripture. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for (i.e. financial change), the evidence of things not seen." i was so encouraged starting this chapter, but as it progressed, i realized that none of the examples given had anything to do with money. and, did you know it ends with examples of people who "were all commended for their faith," but did not receive that which they believed for? and God did that on purpose! He had "planned something better!" Ahhh! so, again, i found myself questioning. does God want change to come to our finances or not? DJ is of the firm belief that He doesn't. he believes that God wants us to be always dependent on Him, and never without the challenge to do so...he makes a good point.

well, to sum up (this has got to be in the running for the world's longest blog), i don't know if i am right or wrong to ask God for BIG change financially, but i DO believe that God has put it on my heart for a reason, and that i AM to challenge my faith for the month of October...either way. if God answer's my prayer, it will blow me away...but if He doesn't, i will be "commended for my faith." and that is enough for me. God is still God, and i have still learned a lesson in faith.

either way, God be glorified.