Journal 4 (very long, very sad)

September 7, 2009

Day 4 – DJ’s 30th Birthday!!

Today was the hardest day yet. It started out great – smiles from Temesgen. We put him in between us in the night and when I rolled over to see if he was awake, he grinned real big at me. DJ and I played with him with toys from his back pack while I pumped, then we rolled off the bed and started our day. We washed Temesgen’s face with a cloth and brushed his teeth – he still won’t let us brush the backs, but this time he got excited when he saw it coming. I got Temesgen dressed while DJ showered and then the boys went downstairs to order breakfast while I showered. When I came down, it was ready so we went to the table and ate bananas, bread (I didn’t), and scrambled eggs that looked suspiciously orange and hard (they were actually not bad) with coffee and water. Temesgen loves his bananas and will eat ANYTHING you give him.

We gathered our stuff after breakfast and got Temesgen a diaper and snack bag together and took him downstairs to play with the nannies and other kids staying behind at the New Flower. We said goodbye and went outside to get in the cars. The nannies here are super nice and they love to play with the kids – they wouldn’t even accept money when we got back for taking care of him. He was smiling when we left, playing with his friend Tensay.

We decided to take separate transportation to Debra Zet because Vivianne and Wayne like to do their own thing and we were happy to do ours. We rode with a nice man named Anewtu – he runs another orphanage in the city for infants and helps transport families for the New Flower. He and Alazar are best friends and Alazar shared Christ with him 10 years ago. Anewtu is newly married, only 3 months ago. We picked up Hewitt on the way to Debra Zet and enjoyed a 45 minute trip of fast cars, sharp turns, near misses, and constant honking.

Debra Zet was a devastating, sad place surrounded by beautiful mountains. There were people selling anything and everything on the side of the road, people washing their clothes in a dirty river, people herding sheep with rope whips – sheep with bright spots colored on their heads or tails, little children carrying babies, men carrying dead chickens, women toting babies on their backs, and everyone lugging large wooden sticks on their shoulders. And everywhere, everywhere there were mud puddles and dusty rocks and pieces of STUFF. We turned onto a dusty road, crossed come railroad tracks, and passed some men herding cattle, then too a right onto what appeared to be nothing more than a bumpy, muddy trail and arrived at another compound gate. Anewtu parked the car and Hewitt jumped out and opened the gate. Several people were walking by and I nodded hello.

When I walked inside the gate, I first saw several older children peeking around the front door at us and then I noticed a nanny with a very friendly smile. I greeted the kids and kissed the nanny on the cheek. We walked into a large room with several bunk beds and a few small piles of toys by the walls. Hewitt motioned for us to follow her and she showed us a small room with three little babies sleeping in their cribs. We greeted the nanny in that room and I told her that she was amazing for getting them all fed and asleep at the same time, Hewitt translated for us. The nanny laughed at me then lifted the mosquito net so I could see their beautiful faces. I thought they were 3 or 4 months old, but later was told that they were 6-8 months.

Then Hewitt led us down a small, narrow hallway and stopped at the back door. Out the back door there was a tiny patio before another small building. Two women were there washing clothes in little tubs. Hewitt pointed a one of the women, and immediately I recognized her as Temesgen’s Ethiopian Mommy. DJ was standing behind me because the hallway was so narrow. Hewitt said something to her in Amaharic and she walked over to me and kissed me three times in the traditional Ethiopian greeting. Then she kissed me again. And then I moved out of the way and she greeted DJ in a similar manner, but only touched his cheek with hers twice. Then we walked outside where there was more room and I smiled and said hello to the other woman washing clothes. She smiled back and said hello in English. She had a tooth coming out of her nose. DJ told me later he though it was a tribal thing, but it was not. It was a tooth. Growing out of her nose.

There was a moment of awkwardness while we asked (through Hewitt) if we could ask her some questions and got our video camera out. DJ got the video camera out and I got out the photo album we brought for her. I handed it to her and she smiled shyly at me and looked at the first page. She walked a couple steps away and starred at it for what seemed like a long time, so I went over and showed her that there were more pictures behind that one (it was one of her and Temesgen when she relinquished him). She flipped through a couple more and then walked into a room in the back house. She didn’t make eye contact with us at all and I wasn’t sure why she walked into the house. After a second, we heard her sobbing. It was so real. So sad. So intense. And there was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to say something or give her something to make it hurt a little less, but that was impossible. I started crying a little the second I saw her, so hearing her sob made my crying intensify to a gut-wrenching, heart-pounding bawl. I glanced quickly at DJ who had just finished getting the camera ready and he was obviously upset. I asked him later if he cried and he told me that he did, but in the moment I knew if I had to look at him crying, too, that I would lose it – so after my quick glance, I didn’t look back at him for several minutes. I just stared down at my bag, trying to regain control of myself. Hewitt and two other nannies when in after her to comfort her, and after a couple minutes she came back out looking solemn, but not red or puffy or blotchy. I really don’t remember the exact specifics of what happened next – we got it on video so I’m sure that would be more accurate than me retelling every detail here on paper. I will tell you, however that we spent the next several minutes asking her questions (she had none for us), finding out what she wanted us to tell and teach Temesgen as he grows, and promising her that we would take good care of him and love him and tell him that his Ethiopian Mom loves him very much and only wanted to do the very best for him when she was facing a desolate, desolate situation. At the end of our conversation, she and I hugged for an imagined eternity, both crying, both not wanting to let go, both finding comfort in this bond we will share forever, both thankful for the other, and both wishing things could be different. I kissed her neck, she kissed my cheek and we separated.

She hugged DJ and then told us that she was glad we came to meet her. She felt that we respected her because we came and she was happy to know that Temesgen would be with us. She asked us to send pictures and said that she would love to see him again. I hope that will happen. I hope it for her and I hope it for him. I wonder what kind of man Temesgen will grow into. I know he will be much different than the men in her world and I hope that when they meet they will be able to share life with one another in a real and precious way that will somehow, someway make them both know that this was the best and most selfless answer to the tragedy and hopelessness that consumed their first months together.

After the conversation on the patio, we went inside to play with the children, and oh, what fun we had. We got to sit on the dirty floor with them and play with toys that American children would never be allowed to play with. We got to hold them and take pictures of them and look at their families – at least those who had sent pictures. There were two children that stole my heart, one was an older girl named Fiona – she was about 9 and sat next to me, held my hand, and whispered “I love you” as she looking into my eyes. I squeezed her next to my side and said “I love YOU”. The other little girl is almost 2, her name is Sheway. She was the little girl that was referred to us when we got Temesgen’s referral. She has mosaic downs syndrome. She melted my heart when she crawled through a crowd of kids, and over a pile of toys, to move my hands out of my lap so she could climb in. Both of these girls got to DJ, too…but there were many that I think he will remember for a long, long time. He has a soft spot for any child who touches his hand or smiles at him.

Temesgen's Ethiopian Mommy stood at the doorway watching as DJ and I played with the kids. She would not look us in the eye ever, but usually nodded her head at us and smiled when she saw us looking. We played with the kids for a while and then told the nanny that we were going to be going. She said “NO! [T's Ethiopian Mommy] is making you tea, you cannot go.” So we stayed and she rushed to tell her to hurry. I did not want her to hurry, but after only a couple of minutes, she came bringing us a plate of thick bread (2 pieces), 2 small plastic children’s cups of hot water, 2 tea bags, and a small bowl of sugar. We thanked her and she seemed relieved that she could give us something nice. The other nanny brought us 2 small wooden chairs so we could sit and eat. Immediately, Sheway and another little boy her age came up to us, stood real close, and starred at us. I laughed and gave them each a piece of my bread. It tasted sour and musty and it stained my fingers black. SHE came in a couple of times and we thanked her and told her that everything was delicious. When our water had cooled a little and our tea bags had turned it brown, we added about a pinch of sugar (we hated to use their sugar) and enjoyed our tea. I was holding one of the infants (who I thought was a boy, but turned out to be a girl) and had to give her up because I was worried about her wiggling with my hot tea around.

After we finished eating, we again thanked her and told the nanny and children goodbye. Then I went to hug her one more time and she asked Anewtu to come translate something for her. She told us again to please send her pictures and that she was thankful for us. Again I hugged her and we cried. We kissed and I touched her face and kissed her hand. Then we left. I looked back once we were at the gate and Fiona was peeking under the hanging laundry, waving and telling me again that she loved me. I blew her a kiss.

The return ride was very quiet. DJ and I were still processing and hurting. I asked him if he was ok and he told me that he was. He said that he was glad that we went, but that it was so hard and he wasn’t expecting it to go the way it did. After a while of silence, we chatted with Anewtu about Ethiopia and the culture and things we were seeing on the side of the road and about his orphanage in Addis.

Anewtu took us to some shops so we could buy presents and clothes. The second we got out of the car, children were surrounding us trying to sell pieces of gum, tissues, or just begging for money. It was so sad. Especially after today. Anewtu came with us into the store and we selected several items we wanted to buy, then he negotiated a good price for us. The store owners were a nice family, but they nicely try to charge you double because you are American. Then, Anewtu told us that he would wait at the car and we could barter through the rest of the shops since we’d seen how it was done. We went into the neighboring store and selected a couple more things, but at this point I wasn’t feeling very well. We negotiated an (not so good) agreeable price, but had to wait on the owner’s daughter to go get change. I thought I was going to pass out, so I got a dried apricot out of my bag and ate it. I told DJ that I really wasn’t feeling well and I was going to go back to the car and wait. I was mobbed by the same kids, the same little sad girl trying to get me to buy a piece of gum, but I couldn’t find Anewtu. The family who owned the first shop saw me looking and told me that he went to get lunch. So I went back into the store with DJ. I was feeling even worse. I was hot and shaking and starting to feel nauseous. Anewtu came in after a minute and we told him we wanted to go back to the New Flower. He said that he was going to go get the car and he would be right back. He left. But after a second, I thought I was going to be sick right in the middle of the store so I went to the car again – it was literally about 20 feet away. Of course, the second I walked outside, I was surrounded by children, and now some old, debilitated men had joined in. We got to the car, but no Anewtu. I ducked into the first store to hide while I waited because I had to get away from the crowd and focus on not throwing up. The nice family (who tried to rob me before Anewtu stopped them) welcomed me inside (they were sitting in a circle eating injara and wot) and I was able to keep my lunch down. Anewtu showed up after a minute, the crowd starring at me from the doorway tipped him off I think, and we went to the car. DJ soon followed and we headed back for the guest house. I asked how far away we were and he told me “not far. Only about 15 minutes.” After about 3 or 4 minutes, I was so sick that I had to swallow, swallow, breathe, swallow and take the recent purchases out of their plastic bag. I warned the boys that I was going to be sick and then preceeded to puke in the backseat of Anewtu’s car. I puked and puked and then puked again. I went through both the plastic bags. Then I felt a little better.

I apologized to Anewtu over and over. He wanted to take me to the hospital. I told him no.

We got back to the guest house and I was starting to feel sick again so I asked DJ to bring everything inside (except my puke bags) and dashed up the stairs into the house. Temesgen was standing in the common area just inside playing with Tensay and smiled so big when I walked in. My heart melted. My feet ran. I got sick again as soon as I got up to our room.

The next couple of hours are a blur, but I do remember having to pump while vomiting – that was fun - and then having to go to the bathroom while vomiting, because yes, my entire GI tract had joined in the party. I would sleep for a few minutes, throw up for a few minutes, brush my teeth, and start over. After God knows how long, I thought I heard Temesgen crying downstairs so I sat up to put my socks on. But that caused another wave to start so I laid back down. Again, after God knows how long, I thought I heard him again and this time I just got up, walked to the door, and hurried down the stairs. Temesgen was not crying. WHEW! I was feeling like such a terrible mom. But I was missing my newly happy boy smile and laugh and talk with his daddy. That was fun to watch. Temesgen came and sat on my lap and DJ went to get me some Pepto. We enjoyed the company of another family, Christina and Phillip with their two new babies, Moses and Layla, and after about an hour, I felt much, much better.

The power had been out all day – no internet so we had Yanathan go to the store and buy some minutes for his cell phone and we called mom. Maci is doing well and it made DJ and I both so happy to hear that.

The night ended with some yummy Ethiopian food the house staff made for us and a little bedtime tantrum from Temesgen. Still, it was not so bad and eventually, he went to sleep with daddy while I journaled and pumped. He was in his crib when I came to bed.

Today was a long day. A good day. A hard day. A day I will never forget.